Quarantine Parenting Advice: The Dangers of Minecraft

With the recent slew of unconstitutional quarantine orders and school cancellations, you may find your children spending more time at the computer in the coming months. The media your children consume today will have a lasting impacr on their worldview so it’s important to filter out any cultural Marxist propaganda. These days that task is harder than ever.

A likely first choice to keep your children occupied is the massively popular video game Minecraft. Minecraft gameplay finds the player roaming a cube-shaped world, repetitively building and digging with no real objective. Playing this virtual autism simulator may be forgivable during a pandemic and it may even seem like a decent alternative to the youth-corrupting drivel of mainstream media. It certainly is preferable to allowing your children out in the open air, sucking in bat flu droplets with their friends.

However, there is a far more terrible disease than anything the Orientals can cough up, emanating from your youngin’s computer screen. Virulent and guaranteed to rot your child’s mind and misshapen his growing brain in the most literal sense.

An import from the same nation that gave us radical far left eco-terrorist Greta Thunberg, the propaganda peddling Nazi Pewdiepie, and the childhood obesity and type II diabetes inducing candy, Swedish Fish, Minecraft looks to be another plot to destroy America from the inside out. The nation’s top phrenology researchers are discovering a link between extended Minecraft play and deformities of the head, a condition called “Minecraft Mumps”.

Researchers believe the game excites regions of the brain responsible for personality, intelligence, and skull shape. Long term exposure to Minecraft stimulates the growth of bumps along the head, giving it a square block-like appearance, at the same time growing areas of the brain associated with neuroticism and shrinking areas related to logical thought and a sense of self-worth. Sound familiar? It should, low intelligence and self-hatred are known leftist traits and surveyed Minecraft Mump victims are 85% more likely than the general population to hold far left communist views.

The most prominent example of a Minecraft Mumps victim is the floundering Twitch stream DylanBurnsTV. Burns contracted the condition quickly after changing his content from low energy foreign policy discussions to Minecraft gameplay and react content in a desperate attempt to retain viewers. Once a relatively normal looking boy, Burns became a square faced, psychologically disturbed libtard shortly after his Minecraft addiction started. Of note is his massive jawline, a telltale sign of a diminishing IQ, his wide nose and far set eyes, warnings of unreliability and perversions of morality. Who knows what other horrible secrets and bumps lie hidden beneath his raggedy, disheveled hair?

It doesn’t stop there. As this poor pathetic young man became symptomatic, Burns began eschewing all chances of ever obtaining a security clearance as he started leaking private emails, “advising” no name progressive candidates and is now forever teetering on the edge of a full meltdown. His blocky, Minecraft Steve-esque head dooms him to a lifetime of 25 viewer Twitch streams and a political career less prestigious than a small-city dog catcher. With no cure in sight, Burns will remain a phrenologically hopeless case, a pitiful Minecraft-gaming libtard.

The Victorians were right about a few things. Namely, masturbation leads to insanity, women shouldn’t be able to vote, and the science of phrenology. The Swedes know phrenology, that the shape and feel of the head means everything. Let Dylan Burn’s story be a warning for your own children. Tear the laptops from their hands and bash it against a wall. Smack the Minecraft Mumps and libtard out of your kids, hoping you reach them in time. God help us all!

-BNN Editorial Board