Retard Fats Flock To Gym, Frustrating Thousands

The first month of the New Year is notorious for a temporary wave of fats occupying space in the gym and stealing precious real estate on treadmills and ellipticals from regular clientele. While this phenomena is heaviest for the first two weeks, the gym doesn’t seem to return to normal until mid-February. I personally talked to my gym manager and proposed that all new members should pay five times as much if they are signing up at the very end or very beginning of the year in order to curb traffic.

My proposal was swiftly and firmly rejected so we must rely on alternative methods. Making these people feel as unwelcome and gross and disgusting as possible is key to driving them out faster. Dirty looks, audible scoffs, and being rude at every turn goes a long way. Try comments like “Jesus those are some thunder thighs” or “hey plumpy I think you broke the treadmill.”

You might have some long-term issues with the brave 1% who survive the resolution wave, but this is a small price to pay to save your access to the gym equipment. The disproportionate wear and tear that the morbidly obese have on gym equipment is also not to be ignored. One wonders why Ozempic salesman simply do not sit outside gyms around the New Year and tell these people to take drugs before wasting their time at the gym. Until this issue is taking more seriously by your gym, its up to you good folks. Good luck and God Bless.

-Gohndim