In an unsurprising turn of events, the Federal Reserve has chosen BlackRock to administer its $750,000,000,000+ junk Exchange Traded Fund. The fund was created through the systematic and unprecedented purchase of junk corporate bonds in a desperate attempt to keep the equity bubble from popping.
The Federal Reserve has admitted to its incompetency and requires assistance from the private sector in order to run essential central banking functions. BlackRock has been slowly consolidating power for decades and this announcement only furthers their goal of dominating the global financial markets.
Senior officials from the Federal Reserve have said that “the Federal Reserve is feckless like all government institutions” and the transfer “is the [first step] to ensuring that bankers can enact appropriate policies… [to ensure they qualify for] year end compensation packages” adding that “six to seven figure bonuses” for all bankers and Fortune 500 middle managers were necessary for major cities to remain solvent.
Transition of the Federal Reserve to private entities is expected to take some time. To ease the transition, Jamie Dimon and David Solomon have begun sending the Federal Reserve interest rate expectations. Fully privatizing the Federal Reserve will save tax payers more than $2,000,000,000 per year wasted on lavish salaries.
-A source close to the Vatican